


Suicidal

by Higgies230



Category: The Flash (TV 2014)
Genre: Angst, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-18
Updated: 2016-11-18
Packaged: 2018-08-31 17:54:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,646
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8588128
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Higgies230/pseuds/Higgies230
Summary: Leonard Snart has depression, which after his childhood isn't surprising. Anyhow, he gets low and Barry is the one to save him.





	

Depression wasn't a stranger to Leonard Snart, far from it. The illness was that old enemy, the kid that bullied you in school and followed you through life, getting the same job, living in the same neighborhood. That was depression to Captain Cold.

  It had started when he was young, too young. He could just remember the time when school had given him hope. The grades he got promised a better life, better than the one that Lewis had and had given them. Good grades meant a good job, good pay, a home for him and Lisa.

  Then he had gotten older, about ten, he had found things out about himself. And somehow so had his dad. His incredibly homophobic dad. He had honestly thought that he was going to die, the beating went on and on forever, fists, feet, belt. He guessed that was when the depression started, when he was the disgraceful faggot. When his father never looked at him without disgust etched into every feature. When there wasn't a single night without a beating.

  One good thing came of that. While he was being beaten it meant that Lisa was not. Before he had always tried to get in the way, tried to be the one to get the belt. Sometimes it had worked, others he had gotten it first and then she had gotten it after. And so his baby sister held scars, white lines and blotches disfiguring her beauty, showing his failure, a testament to what a bad brother he was. But as the faggot he could ensure that his sister had less scars.

  The only reason his father kept him alive was because he was particularly good at planning heists. His father was awful and often got caught if Leonard wasn't involved. Plus he had little hands, better for getting into the smaller gaps.

  That was the extent of his worth and he knew it, it may have been one reason why he continued with the criminal profession into his adult life- because he really didn't get the kick out of stealing things like he pretended.

***

  There was one thing that Len could not predict though, even given how long the depression had been by his side. That one thing was when it would hit. When it would grab him by the throat and squeeze so tight that he just needed a way out.

  He was not proud of the scars that criss-crossed his thigh, they showed weakness. They were a clue for the world to pick up on that he was not the confident, strong man that he pretended. And in the same way he was not proud of the times that he had tried to take his life, either Lisa had been there to stop him or he had simply failed, both ways it was an embarrassment and proof at how useless he was. But in the same way as cutting it was an escape, a release from the suffocation. It was near addictive.

  Now he sat in there in the safe house bathroom and stared into space, not truly seeing his surroundings at all. He had taken himself away from Mick and Lisa three days ago when he had really started to feel the illness creeping up on him. Those times that Lisa had found him before... they were some of the worst moments in his life. Moments when he had hurt his sister, when she had shown that she had loved him enough to drag him back from the abyss. But he didn't deserve that love. He didn't deserve the devotion that she gave him after he had done nothing for her. 

  Once upon a time he had dreamed of getting them out of the criminal cycle, of getting an honest job, a home for him and his sister. Now she was without proper qualifications and permanently on the run from the law. No, Len had not done good by her.

  He looked down at the blade in his hands. It was old, one that he had stolen as a child, he had used it on many heists. But he was more of a burden than anything else now, he pulled down his sister, he hurt and he killed and he stole. The world didn't need a man like him.

***

  Lisa's call had been urgent and panicked. Something about Len being missing. They had been able to track the gun with ease to an old warehouse and so that was where Barry went.

  The speedster had a sick feeling in his gut, for some reason he desperately needed for Snart to be okay. The man had been the subject of his thoughts more and more recently and Barry had only recalled the feeling that came with it  once before, with Iris.

  He felt like a fool, a huge fool. He was falling for a villain. A sarky, cunning and very attractive villain. It was pointless though, Barry knew, he didn't even know if Captain Cold was gay or bi or anything. Plus he was a villain, Barry was the Flash.

***

  The blade drew a crimson line of blood vertically down his wrist but it wasn't deep enough, his hand was shaking too much. He was just bringing the tip back to the top of the incision when the bathroom door burst open and Barry skidded to a halt. 

"Snart?" Barry asked horrified.

  Len looked up guiltily from where he was perched on the edge of the bath, blood dripping from his wrist.

"Oh my God are you okay?" Barry asked, falling to his knees in front of Snart and grabbing his bleeding wrist, holding it in both of his hands. 

  Len looked down at where the speedster's long fingers encompassed his wrist, watching as the red oozed between them. He felt numb. Again. It had happened again. Someone who cared for him, and it had become clear to him that Barry did over their last few encounters, had walked in on him. The worst of it was that Snart had the horrible feeling that he was starting to care for Barry too.

  There was a flash and then Barry was back, bandages in hand. As he wrapped it around Len's bleeding wrist the thief gave no resistance, just watched the other's hands working with a detached air.

  "Why did you do- do this? Were you trying to- to... were you trying to kill yourself?" Barry asked both looking and sounding lost.

  "I think so. I just needed to," Snart said quietly, feeling smaller than he ever had in his life.

  "Why? Why did you need to?" the speedster said equally as quiet. He had finished his task and was sitting between Snart's legs, hands on his thighs.

  "I don't know Barry," Len said, almost snapping, feeling flustered. But not pressed. It felt different than when Lisa had asked, the closeness didn't feel so invasive. No, he _liked_ the closeness, it felt like a support. A comfort. Protection.

  "Depression. That's what it is," Barry said, his green eyes locking with Leonard's blue ones." I used to suffer from it myself for a few years after my mum died." There wasn't pity in his gaze, that would be the one thing that Len wouldn't be able to handle. Instead there was understanding and it was there most probably born of Barry's own perception of his struggles. Cold just nodded.

  Barry smiled sadly at the confirmation and moved one hand from Len's leg to his shoulder. He was so close. So close.

  For the last few minutes Leonard had been struggling with the temptation to move his hands to touch Barry, to strengthen that lifeline. In that moment, when the speedster moved his hand, Len caved in. He moved his hands to grip the younger man's upper arms, a gesture that seemed well received if the slightly brighter smile was anything to go by.

  "I know that your dad was an abusive scumbag, I am assuming this is where that all stemmed from. Lisa said that you told her you thought you were a terrible brother," Barry said, smiling and shaking his head," I can tell you now that that is a massive lie. You have done so well and so loves you so much. You are a good man, you hide it with this Captain Cold master thief thing but I know that you don't enjoy it. I can see it in your eyes when you talk about your heists. You do it for your sister, for Mick. You do everything for others that you love and nothing for yourself. I guess it's one of the qualities that made me care for you, made me want to return the favor that you have given to everyone else."

  "Favor? How could someone like you care for someone like me?" Snart asked, there was a slight hint of fear in his voice and in his eyes.

  "I just told you. Because you are a good man," Barry said unwavering, the hand now cupping Snart's jaw.

  Len searched the other's face for anything but as ever with Barry it was just open and caring. He could have sworn that it was actual love that made those green orbs gleam. That was why Leonard Snart brought both his hands up to hold Barry Allen's face as he kissed him.

  The move was risky and desperate, Len knew. It was so uncharacteristic for him. In half of a moment Len held his breath, his heart stopping for that brief period. Half a moment later the hand Barry had on Leonard's face pulled him closer, the younger man parting his lips to allow the other entry.

  In that moment, Len decided that maybe Barry was right. There were three people in this world that he loved... that loved him. Perhaps he would stick around. 


End file.
